why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Are my feet made of real feet?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
