I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just invented taco cereal.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
