We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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