This is not my ceiling
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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