how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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