Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
