OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
