I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
