Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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