she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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