you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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