I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
