My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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