she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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