just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
