just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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