I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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