things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
