Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize