Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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