you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
