Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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