I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
