Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
