please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
