I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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