i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
