I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
COCAINE IS GR8
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
