tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
