I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
BRING THE BAGELS
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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