i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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