I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just had sex on a roof
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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