my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
