I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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