My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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