My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
