He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
