The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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