sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
