He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
