Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize