i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
