I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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