well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
