I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize