My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
