just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
