And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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