Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
