They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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