turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
