I want you more than these girls want KFC
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Randomize
