So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
