she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
