I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
