she woke up with a sticky ear
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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