We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
