a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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