I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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