i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
