Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
